


extraordinary experiences

by respira



Series: shadowhunters wlw bingo 2019!! [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon, but man. im so sad, i'll never forgive shtv, needless to say i took a lotta liberties with how it fits in post canon sjdfkdjfg, they gave us That Scene in 112 and then Never elaborated like what the fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/respira/pseuds/respira
Summary: It warms Catarina’s heart to see the people she loves in a good place.





	extraordinary experiences

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the "post canon" square for bingo for the yellow team!! yeehaw!!

“Do you believe in ghosts, Magnus?”

Magnus noticeably stops reading the book in his hand, and sets down his mug with a small sigh through his nose. The book closes with a soft, muted  _ thud, _ and he shifts his position to cross a different leg over the other, and he looks up from his spot on the couch.

“What is this about, Catarina?” he asks, wary, with just the perfect amount of prodding. This is a concoction only Magnus has mastered in order to get Catarina to talk. Well, Magnus and—

Catarina can only bring herself to blink. What is this about? This could mean a lot of things, really. This could be about the fact that both Catarina and Magnus see Ragnor sometimes, whether it be in their dreams or during their daily routine, but neither of them have come around to acknowledge it to themselves, much less each other. This could be about the fact that Raphael is out and about living the life he had always dreamed of, but his old age gets the best of him sometimes, and Magnus still has not come to terms with the fact that, eventually, he is going to outlive his son. This could be about the fact that Valentine Morgenstern has been brought back from the dead once, and although the Clave swears that there is no room for the possibility of it happening again, the Downworlders go about their lives with the whispers of plausibilities taunting them and sending shivers down their spines.

This  _ could _ mean a lot of things, but Catarina knows exactly what this is about. She has never been one to bet, but she could bet very good money that Magnus knows what this is about, too, or that he at least has a general idea of it. Magnus’ question was not so much a question of what this was about, because the two of them know the topic very well, but more a question of whether or not Catarina was actually willing to talk about it.

The truth is, Catarina doesn’t think that she will ever be ready to talk about it.

* * *

The thing is this:

Catarina Loss is hundreds of years old. She has lived an incredulously long life, and she works so hard that sometimes she forgets just how old she is. There is only so much room in her head for trivial things that have happened over the past couple centuries, and she does not have enough to remember her birthday. This is not because it was a particularly bad day, or because it brought back bad memories of her life before immortality, but simply because she had deemed it as so unimportant that it was not worth remembering.

There are some things, however, that Catarina can remember to the minute. Memory spells are the third best thing she was good at, right after healing magic (the second) and love (the first), so she remembers when exactly her family was born—this led to many arguments, naturally, since Magnus is a Sagittarius and Ragnor was a Taurus, and Raphael, being the Capricorn he is, refused to take part in any argument that involved the former two. Catarina remembers the moment she became an aunt, officially, when Raphael was freshly twenty-five years old and Magnus had finally allowed him to try plasma for the first time, and the boy ended up crying on the floor of his bedroom in Magnus’ loft and sobbing about how much he loved his found family. She remembers when Madzie had called her  _ mama _ for the first time, although she, quite conveniently, doesn’t remember whether or not she cried.

Catarina remembers the moment she fell in love with Dorothea Rollins.

The thing is this:

Memory spells are the third best thing she was good at, right after healing magic and love, but dates don’t hold that much important to her. Yes, she remembers birthdays, and she’s counting the years for when Raphael finally turns a century old, but she has never been so enthusiastic about anniversaries. She thinks it’s because of the combination of her immortality and old age, but Magnus begs to differ. He does acknowledge, though, that while he and Catarina are best friends, they  _ are _ different people, and he supposes that’s valid.

The thing is this:

It’s not like Catarina keeps a tally of how many years she has been in love with Dot. She only remembers the moment it happened for the first time. She does not spend the years pining over her, wondering how many more it’s going to take until Dot is going to love her back. She was not heartbroken when Dot and Magnus fell in love, because in the span of their lifetimes, their relationship was brief. And even then, Dot had no obligation to Catarina, and Catarina was a smart enough woman to know that it was simply not their time.

Catarina was also a very busy woman. Healing magic was more taxing on the body than other forms of magic, and working as a nurse didn’t help all that much. It was worse when she was actually in med school all those years ago, making sure she knew exactly how to help humans, and Dot was somewhere in the world collecting scriptures for her studies. But they always found time for each other, despite everything, and their shared love for protecting others eventually morphed into a genuine love for each other.

* * *

“Do you believe in ghosts, Cat?”

Catarina looks down at the glass of wine in her hand, her once-steady hand suddenly starting to shake. The deep red liquid swishes around in the glass, and Catarina tightens her grip around the glass. Slowly, she looks to her side and sees Ragnor reclining on the couch, his elbow on the arm of the sofa as he perches up his own head. Catarina takes a deep breath and places her glass of wine on the coffee table. She really shouldn’t be drinking. She has to work with Madzie in the morning on honing in the girl’s magic, but she just had a tiring shift at the hospital and she desperately needed  _ something. _

She repositions herself on the couch so she’s facing Ragnor now, and there’s a small smile on his face that shows his appreciation for being acknowledged. He had always prioritized directness in conversation.

“Do  _ you?” _ Catarina asks him, because she had always preferred to evade any serious topic that had to do with her.

Ragnor cocks his head to the side, and Catarina wonders when he had begun to look so  _ old. _ Magnus had always joked that Ragnor was not immune to crow’s feet, and he really wasn’t, but Catarina had never realized that his horns looked so  _ worn. _ At the same time, though, he looked as relaxed as ever, sitting down on Catarina’s couch and talking, not having to worry about his obligations as High Warlock of London, not having to get any one of them out of trouble.

It warms Catarina’s heart to see the people she loves in a good place.

“Do you believe in me?” Ragnor asks.

Catarina smiles fondly, rolling her eyes slightly. “That’s a very different question, I’m afraid.”

Ragnor hums, stretching his limbs and letting himself fully relax on the couch. “Just ask yourself that, Catarina. Do  _ you _ know the answer?”

Ragnor is gone before Catarina can even think it through.

* * *

The thing is this:

Dorothea Rollins’ heart was too big for her body. She loved and loved and loved, and when she met a young Jocelyn Fairchild, three months pregnant and just beginning to show, Catarina knew that Dot was done for.

Ragnor was the only one seemingly immune to the whole…thing. The whole being-infirtile-and-loving-any-child-you-so-happen-to-come-across thing. But he was only  _ seemingly _ immune because he met Magnus when he was incredibly young, not even two decades old and with a still-aging body. But Ragnor insisted that he never had a desire to have children, and he never considered Magnus a son, and Magnus never considered him a father. Their relationship was very different from Magnus and Raphael’s relationship, where their father-son bond was explicit.

Dot tried very hard not to consider Clarissa Fairchild her own daughter. She loved the girl with everything she had, but she was not a mother. If she was a mother, she would not have the heart to lie to her own child; keeping the Shadow World away from the child was her number one priority, but she knew that, deep down, she would die to make sure that Clarissa was safe.

Dot and Magnus shared this feeling strongly: parents should not lie to their children. Magnus never seemed to like Jocelyn Fairchild, and he expressed his condemnation for what the woman was doing to her child, but she always paid Magnus handsomely. Dot, on the other hand, was more caught in the middle. She would never break her promise of keeping Clarissa away from the Shadow World, but if she were to ever grow up and remember the animals on her crib chime moving more magically than realistically possible, then Dot would not deny anything.

“How long do you think you can keep this up?” Catarina asked her one day, not because she doubted her, but she was worried as to how much pain Dot was willing to put herself through for the sake of love.

Dot only smiled and looked at the living room where Simon and Clary were playing. Catarina tried very hard not to think about the implications of the two of them looking fondly as two five-year-olds played to their hearts’ content.

“As long as I have to,” she answered, because both she and Catarina knew that Dot loved Simon and Clary too much. “It won’t be too long. Things will fall apart in about a decade, but even then, I will be here to protect them.”

Catarina hummed. “She’s very naive, the Fairchild woman.”

“I don’t think she’s naive,” Dot said lowly. “She’s just very self-righteous. She’s so convinced that she is the sole thing protecting the Shadow World from Valentine, and that she is owed some respect because of that, but she doesn’t realize that it could have been anyone who got a hold of the Mortal cup. She thinks she alone has the power to stop Valentine.”

The corner of Catarina’s mouth curves up into a smile. She couldn’t help it. “Valentine would kill her without so much as a glance if it meant he could get the Mortal Cup. He has no real love for her.”

“I think she knows that,” Dot murmured. Catarina turned back to look at her with furrowed brows. She knew too well that whenever Dot’s voice got low like that, it was bad news. “I think that, when worse comes to worst, she’ll use Clary as leverage. Valentine might kill Jocelyn without a second glance, but I think she thinks he would spare Clary.”

Dorothea Rollins’ heart was too big for her body. It broke Catarina’s own heart sometimes.

“Horrible things are bound to happen,” Dot said. “The least I can do is be there for her.”

* * *

“You’re pretty,” Madzie always said. She made it her job to remind Dot every other minute, even if she was a sickly white with venom running through the veins on her face, and Madzie continued to tell her for the entirety of the time that Dot spent resting on Catarina’s couch.

“I’m sorry,” Dot said to Catarina, voice hoarse and still visibly weak, but she was finally coming back into her own skin.

Catarina slipped her shoes off her feet and made her way over to the couch. Instinctively, Dot folded in her legs to make room, and then rested her legs on Catarina’s lap once the other woman sat down.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I’m supposed to be watching Madzie while you’re at work, but it seems like she’s watching me instead,” Dot said. The sad look in her eyes hasn’t left since she was rescued from Valentine’s grasp, and Catarina would have done anything to see it go away. Healing magic was the best thing she was good at, right after love, but trauma always required time to heal.

“You’re not  _ supposed _ to be watching Madzie,” Catarina insisted. “You’re just both here to keep each other company. Besides, I haven’t quite gotten Madzie to open up to me yet. It’s good for her to see a familiar face, especially after what you both went through together.” Catarina lets out a sigh, and she allows herself to be indulged for just a moment. She rubbed her thumb across Dot’s knee, creating small patterns. “I just want the both of you to get better.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be more help,” Dot whispered.

“You’ve helped so much more than you know,” Catarina promised. She held Dot’s gaze when she said that, having hoped desperately that the other woman was able to read the message that she held in her eyes.  _ I love you, _ Catarina’s eyes said.  _ I’m beyond glad that you’re safe now. You’re going to get better. All I want for you is to be able to get better. _

“I love you, too,” Dot said, having got the message.

* * *

“Do you believe in ghosts, Raphael?”

Raphael stops looking at the sky, a serious look taking over his face. Catarina feels momentarily guilty for ruining his fun; Raphael looks so youthful when he looks at the sun, and now that he’s looking at Catarina, she remembers just how old he actually is.

“Do you want the religious answer or the personal answer?” Raphael asks, turning back to the sky. While Ragnor had always prioritized directness in conversation, Raphael understood when exactly eye contact was too overwhelming.

“The latter.”

“Is this about Ragnor?”

“No.”

Raphael hums, and he fiddles with the silver chain around his neck, a force of habit he had all his life. He tugs on the cross slightly, and then sighs through his nose. “I don’t see him,” he says truthfully. “I don’t know if it’s a warlock thing. I feel him, though, sometimes. But I think that’s just me. I always feel my family surrounding me when I pray. I feel your love and I try to channel that.”

Catarina nods, even if Raphael isn’t looking right at her.

“I’ve been praying a lot for Dot lately,” Raphael whispers.

Catarina goes tense. Raphael doesn’t say anything further—they both know that he doesn’t need to. He only reaches for her hand and holds it softly as the sun continues to set. They sit there on the grass until the sun sets, radiating nothing but love and comfort for each other. They don’t get up until the light has stopped shining on the gazebo where Dot was killed.

* * *

Theoretically, Catarina knows it’s perfectly okay to cry, but in practice, she absolutely hates it. She has no idea how to collect herself when she cries, and when Madzie is looking at her with a confused look on her face, Catarina feels helpless.

“Mama?” Madzie asks. “Are you okay?”

Catarina nods despite the choked sound that comes out of her mouth. “This song just makes me cry.”

Madzie nods, seeming to understand completely. Catarina thinks she actually might. She was too young, barely a child, but she has seen so much death that Catarina wouldn’t be surprised if she  _ did _ understand. They both stand there, Catarina unable to move, Madzie contemplating whether or not she should stop the music. The tears continue to fall as the song plays, and some lyrics hit harder than others, and some teardrops fall faster.

“You and Dottie would dance to this song all the time,” Madzie says, and Catarina knows that she knows.

“Yeah,” Catarina sobs, voice as cracked and broken as her heart.

* * *

Madzie sleeps with Catarina sometimes. Most of the time, it’s nightmares. More recently, it’s not because of the nightmares but because Madzie likes to have the company. Catarina likes to have the company, too. She loves Madzie, arguably more than anything, but Madzie will be sound asleep in the middle of Catarina’s king bed and Catarina will think of the woman who used to sleep on Madzie’s other side.

It’s not like Catarina kept a tally of how many years she had been in love with Dot. She only remembers the moment it happened for the first time. She did not spend the years pining over her, wondering how many more it’s going to take until Dot is going to love her back. Dot had no obligation to Catarina, and Catarina was a smart enough woman to know that their time was going to come.

The thing is this: Catarina did not expect for their time to be over so soon.

Catarina was a very busy woman. Healing magic was more taxing on the body than other forms of magic, and working as a nurse didn’t help all that much. But she and Dot always found time for each other, despite everything, and their genuine love for each other eventually morphed into a motherly love for Madzie, and that eventually morphed into a family. Catarina wonders if Madzie realizes that she had lost another mother figure. She wonders if the girl knows the pain Catarina is going through right now. She wonders if Madzie knows just  _ how _ Dot and Catarina loved each other.

The only thing Catarina can hear is Madzie’s slow, even breathing. Her own breathing is starting to even out as she begins to fall asleep, and she closes her eyes. She lets out one last sigh before she goes, but it sounds a little too distant in her ears. She opens her eyes to see if Madzie had let out a longer sigh than usual, but instead she’s met with the eyes of the most beautiful woman she has ever known. Madzie’s back is towards Catarina like she  _ knows, _ and the woman on the other side of the bed smiles.

“Do you believe in ghosts, Cat?” Dot asks.

**Author's Note:**

> im so bitter. like wow they really had magnus see ragnor after his death and ragnor acknowledge that he is very much dead and they just never talked about it again. and i just love this family so much??? you can pry them from my cold dead hands i'll never shut up about the warlocks-and-raphael family


End file.
